Landon (Swanson Court Book 4) Page 22

  I rise to my knees and she urges me forward. I settle between her legs and lift them to my waist, pulling her forward as I enter her.

  Her eyes hold mine, glistening with a wetness that wrecks my heart. Still, she reaches up to touch my chest, stroking me languidly.

  My chest rises. “You feel so good. So good.”

  In response, she grips my ass, urging me deeper. I peel her hands off and pin them to the bed, hovering above her. Bracing my elbows on the mattress, I push into her, my eyes never leaving her face.

  I love you.

  When she comes, her whole body rocks off the bed. I hold her tight, thrusting deep as I reach my release. I fall asleep holding her, and when I wake up hours later, she’s gone.

  Chapter 29

  She’s gone.

  I don’t wonder where. I know as soon as I wake up she’s left for New York.

  Tony confirms it when I call him. “She left very early, with Aidan.”

  I call my brother as soon as I figure they’ve landed.

  Aidan sounds like he’s pissed at me. “I was just going to call you,” he says reproachfully.

  “Where is Rachel?”

  “Why don’t you ask her?”

  “I’m asking you.”

  He sighs. “At her apartment. We dropped her off a few minutes ago.”

  “Okay.”

  “Landon, if there’s something—”

  I stop him. “Everything’s fine. I just wanted to know she was home.”

  After that, I deal with the silence from her.

  I love you.

  The pleasure of hearing those words from her lips is quickly drowned by the realization that she’d rather end things than be with me right now.

  And why wouldn’t she?

  Almost from the first night we met, I pushed her, hounded her, ignored any resistance from her, and gave her almost no choice but to be with me the way I wanted.

  I told myself I was ready to give her the world, but I never considered giving her myself.

  Because you don’t consider yourself worthy to give.

  My inner voice is right, yet also wrong, because despite everything, she loves me.

  You don’t need to do anything.

  Oh, but I want to. I want to confront her, demand she comes back where she belongs—with me. I want to convince her she’s mine.

  I want to tell her I love her too, more than I can explain or articulate.

  I always get everything I want.

  But not this time.

  This time, it must be her choosing to be with me, not me pushing forcefully through the distance she has put between us.

  No matter how colorless my life is without her.

  No matter how much I miss her.

  The next few days are busy, both in San Francisco and when I return to New York. I push myself hard, refusing to think, because when I don’t think, I don’t feel like I’m dying inside.

  I close a few deals, travel, and attend a party in Europe, seeing Rachel’s face everywhere I look.

  I love you.

  When I get back in town, I find reasons to be around the Gilt building in the mornings. When I see her, it makes my loneliness more bearable.

  One such morning, I notice she’s walking instead of in the car with Joe.

  “What’s happening?” I demand on the phone.

  “She refused to get in,” Joe tells me. “She says she doesn’t need the ride anymore.”

  I knew this was coming. She’s cutting away our connections, and soon they’ll all be gone.

  “Maybe she’ll change her mind,” I tell Joe, even though I know she won’t. “Stay available, in case she needs you.”

  He doesn’t reply.

  “Are you really going to let her go?”

  I give Aidan a look to remind him I’m not open to talking about Rachel, not with my little brother.

  He’s not cowed. He meets my gaze with a stubborn one of his. We’re having dinner together at a restaurant close to the theater. He’s exhausted, as usual, but in a passably good mood.

  “Opening night is only a few weeks away,” I say, trying to change the subject. “Are you ready?”

  “As ready as we’ll ever be.” He shakes his head. “But we were talking about you and Rachel.”

  “Leave it,” I warn.

  “Look, I know you think I don’t know anything about love and relationships.”

  “I don’t think anything of the sort.”

  “But I can tell you’re tearing yourself apart right now. If you want to be with her, why aren’t you?”

  Because she left!

  “Maybe she’s better off without me. Maybe she doesn’t want to be with me.”

  His expression tells me he thinks I’m being ridiculous. “Did she tell you that?”

  I shake my head. “She loves me.”

  His face fills with understanding. “She told you that?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what? You pushed her away?” He chuckles bitterly. “Wow! How did we both become so…” He sighs. “What are you going to do?”

  “Nothing.” I smile tightly. “It’s all in her hands.”

  “Did you tell her how you feel?”

  I don’t reply.

  “Then it’s not fair to wait for her to come to you. You need to let her know you feel the same way.”

  “When did you become a therapist?”

  He sighs. “Maybe I’m in the same position.”

  “Aidan…”

  “Don’t ask.” He laughs. “It’s not nearly as fixable as what you have with Rachel.”

  Fixable.

  If only.

  Still, when the weekend comes, I drive over to her place. I’m not sure what I’ll do or say to her when I get there.

  On an impulse, I buy a bunch of roses from a roadside florist. Then, after waiting in the car for far too long, I finally call her number.

  She doesn’t answer. I try again, and it’s the same thing.

  I take a deep breath. She doesn’t want to talk to me.

  I call Laurie.

  “Hey, Landon,” she says warmly. There’s laughter in her voice. She sounds happy, and it cheers me a little.

  “Hey,” I reply. In the background, I can hear voices and music. “Is this a bad time?”

  She giggles. “No, not really.”

  “Okay.” I pause. “I was trying to reach Rachel…”

  “I guessed.” She pauses. “She’s here.”

  “Where? At your parents’?”

  “Yes. It’s my engagement party.”

  I’m only slightly taken aback. “Congratulations to you and Brett.”

  She laughs again, and the sound is filled with a happiness that makes me both glad and envious. “I didn’t say it was Brett.”

  I chuckle. “You didn’t have to. I can hear it in your voice.”

  There’s a pause. “You should come,” she says suddenly. “If you want to, anyway.”

  “Is she…” I’m not sure what I want to ask. “I’d love to come.”

  “So…do that?” She switches to her no-nonsense voice. “I think it’s time you two talked, anyway.”

  After ending the call, she texts me the address. I stare at the words on my screen. Am I ready to do this?

  Is Rachel ready?

  I don’t know.

  But I can’t keep waiting, because I’m no longer sure what I’m waiting for.

  All I know is that I love her.

  I have loved her for a long time, even when I didn’t know the words to say it.

  The drive takes almost an hour, and by the time I get to Laurie’s parents’ place, I’ve almost talked myself into going back.

  It’s an outdoor party with tents and flowers and music. I get out of the car then realize I’ve forgotten the flowers. I reach for the bunch, but then decide on just one, a single rose. Carefully, I place it inside my jacket before walking down the drive.

  Laurie is dancing with Brett, laughing happily
. She doesn’t see me, and I stay at the edge of the party, happy for her, and for Brett.

  “Landon?”

  I turn around to see Lynn Foster. She clearly wasn’t expecting me and doesn’t look thrilled to see me either. Beside her is Laurie’s mom, Jacie.

  “Hi.” I try a smile. “I was looking for Rachel.”

  “Did you call?” It’s Jacie, sounding protective.

  “I…I spoke to Laurie.”

  “So, Rachel doesn’t know you’re here?” Lynn asks.

  “I don’t think so.”

  Jacie studies me for a long moment. “She’s in the garden.”

  “Jacie…” Lynn raises her brows.

  Jacie meets her gaze and Lynn sighs. “You’ll find her in the gazebo. That way.” She points toward the back of the house.

  I smile my thanks at the two of them. “I’ll go find her.”

  Lynn is still giving me a pursed-lip look as I walk away, and for a moment, I envy Rachel her protective family…even when I’m the person from whom they’re protecting her.

  I find the gazebo easily. It’s a small white structure set in the middle of the garden. Around it, shrubs and flowers bloom in a perfect arrangement. Inside, on a white bench, Rachel is seated quietly.

  For a while, I say nothing. I watch her without moving. She looks so beautiful, and yet so delicate. As I stand there, a breeze rustles the surrounding leaves, and with a soft sigh, she hugs herself.

  I say her name.

  At first, nothing happens. I can’t even be sure she heard me. The music from the party continues, muted from the distance.

  “Your mother told me you’d be back here,” I continue, praying she’ll at least turn around.

  Slowly, she faces me, and it breaks my heart to see a lone tear on her cheek.

  “Landon?”

  “Hi.” I try to smile, but I’m too nervous. “I hope you don’t mind if I join you.”

  Her eyes flutter closed, and when she opens them again, there’s a brightness there that wasn’t present before. “No,” she whispers. “No, I don’t.”

  Chapter 30

  I join her on the bench. She’s as nervous as I am, I can feel it. Her fingers grip the edge of the bench. Is she glad I’m here? Does she want me to leave?

  I reach into my jacket and hand her the rose.

  She accepts it and studies the petals silently. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “I wasn’t… I tried to call you. You weren’t picking up. Laurie told me about the party, and that you were here.”

  “My phone’s in the house,” she tells me.

  “I guessed.”

  She sets the rose down on the bench. “Why did you come?”

  How could I not?

  I can barely put all my feelings into words. I take her hand. “Rachel.”

  She pulls her fingers from mine and jerks away, rising from the bench. “Don’t touch me.”

  “Rachel—”

  “Two weeks, Landon.” Her voice is heavy with accusation. “I waited for you…”

  “Rachel.” There’s a plea in my voice. “Come back.”

  She shakes her head. “I told you I was in love with you and you let me stew in your silence for two fucking weeks. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to open up to you about my feelings?”

  I get up and face her squarely. “You left.” How was I supposed to be certain what she wanted when she left me after I begged her not to?

  Her eyes close. “Yes, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I walked away when I said I wouldn’t. It hurt me to leave you, Landon, but I had to. It was clear that even though I told you how I felt, you were still holding back.”

  “So, as usual, you decided to walk away.” I can’t keep the accusation from my voice.

  “I couldn’t wait around for you to decide you didn’t want me!”

  I take a deep breath. “Please come back. Sit. Let’s talk.”

  She stares at me, eyes wary. “I don’t think—”

  “Rachel, for God’s sake! For once, will you stop fighting me?”

  She comes back to the bench and I lower myself beside her.

  “Look at me.”

  She does as I say, and suddenly her eyes are filling with tears. I dab them away with a handkerchief before taking her hands in mine.

  “These past two weeks,” I start. “I’ve been…I don’t know what I’ve been doing.” I take a breath. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know why you walked away before. I didn’t know how you felt. I didn’t know you thought you needed to get away from me. I didn’t know your feelings made you believe you needed to get over me, or that my behavior—pursuing you relentlessly, ignoring your requests for me to leave you alone—took away the space you needed to do that. I understand now. I get it. I get why you walked away that first time.”

  She doesn’t reply.

  “I’ve been trying…I’ve been trying to stop thinking about you,” I continue. “When I woke up and you had gone, I…I wanted to come after you, Rachel. You have no idea what it took to stay back and let you have the space I didn’t give you in the past.”

  Her small hand is soft in mine. My fingers flex around hers.

  “There were so many times I wanted to come to you. There were so many things I could have said, but Rachel, the last thing I wanted was for you to think I was telling you what you wanted to hear just to get you to stay.”

  Her voice is tight. “I didn’t tell you I was in love with you because I wanted you to say some meaningless words back to me. I told you because it was the truth. If you don’t feel the same way, I totally understand. I really do.”

  “Will you let me finish?” I say in a low voice. She stops talking and I continue. “I’ve been trying to make sense of a lot of things, my feelings, yours…I was trying to make the best decision for both of us, trying to determine the right course of action. I didn’t want to pester you as I had in the past, so I decided to wait a while, but then you told Joe you didn’t want him picking you up anymore, and I thought… I didn’t know what to think.”

  She pulls in a breath. “I didn’t want to be reminded…”

  “Of me?”

  She nods. “Yes. Joe’s presence reminded me every day that even though you knew how I felt, you chose to stay away.”

  “I’m here now,” I tell her.

  I can feel her tremble, and inside, I’m trembling too.

  “Why?” she whispers.

  “Because I couldn’t wait anymore. I’m crazy about you, Rachel. I’ve always known that much. I’ve always known I wanted to be with you, that I’d protect you, give you anything you wanted, that I could never let you go.”

  She tries to pull her hands from mine, but I can’t let her go.

  “I knew all that, but I’ve never allowed myself to think about love, being in love. I’ve never wanted it. I never thought it was for me. I grew up in the devastation that kind of emotion can cause, and so I…” I stop talking for a moment. “Then you told me how you felt, and it took me by surprise. I wasted so much time being jealous of your ex, being insecure about why you wanted to be with me, why you always walked away. I never thought it was possible that you had those kinds of feelings for me.”

  She stares at me, almost like she can’t comprehend my blindness. “And after I told you?”

  I chuckle. “I was shocked, but more than that, I was so fucking scared of doing something wrong and hurting you. The fact that you felt that way about me…I can’t begin to explain how it made me feel—happy, humbled, elated, afraid. That night, I could have responded and told you I felt the same way, and now I know it wouldn’t have been a lie. At the time, I was afraid you would leave, and I didn’t want to say those words just to make you stay.”

  Her throat works as she swallows. “What about now?”

  “I’ve been trying to take control of my feelings, trying to define them, to escape the…the vulnerability that comes with knowing I’d give up everything else to make you stay, but the tr
uth is, deep down, I’ve always known in a part of me that there would never be anyone else for me.”

  Her eyes close, and I wish I could know what she’s thinking.

  “I think I’ve been a fool for a very long time,” I whisper, smoothing a stray strand of her hair. “I’ve been in love with you for a while now…a long while.”

  I hear her breathe. “Tell me,” she whispers.

  I know exactly how she feels, because I’ve felt it too.

  “I don’t want to be without you,” I tell her, saying the words I should have said two weeks ago. “I want us to make this work. I love you, Rachel. I’m helplessly, hopelessly in love with you.”

  She’s crying again, but this time, she’s happy, not sad. Her face lights up, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  “I love you,” I repeat. Then I put an arm around her and draw her close to me. “I love you.”

  She touches her lips to mine in a soft kiss.

  “Just so you know, I hate you for leaving me adrift these past two weeks.”

  I smile. “But?”

  “But I love you, Landon.”

  I kiss her again, and it feels like heaven. My chest feels light and achy with happiness. It’s not a feeling I’m familiar with, but I could get used to it.

  “I’m glad you came,” she whispers.

  “I couldn’t have stayed away.” I close my eyes and touch my forehead to hers. “I’ve seen you every day I’ve been in town, and if you knew how hard it was for me not to reach out to you, you’d know I’m never going a day without you by my side.”

  She raises her brows. “You’ve been stalking me.”

  Laughing softly, I shake my head. “It’s not such a large city, and I wouldn’t call it stalking…just taking longer detours to work so I can see you at least once every day.”

  “Stalking,” she insists, but she leans into me, sighing with contentment. I kiss her hair and her face. I stroke her back gently. I could stay with her like this forever, and I would love every minute.

  We sit together for a long time, and then she glances toward the front of the house where the party is still lively.

  “You can’t come all this way to a party and not get to dance,” she tells me.