Because of You (Swanson Court Series Book 5) Read online

What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t left?

  We’d be married. With a child, maybe two.

  I’d resisted for as long as I could, but finally I’d bought into the fantasy that we could recover what we lost.

  Had she been stringing me along, looking to see how long before I broke?

  I wish I knew for sure.

  Rachel sighs beside me. “I’m betting she’s not in a good place. She just lost her father. Grief does things to people’s minds and they make bad decisions.”

  I snort. “She always knew she would do this. All that talk about wanting me to forgive her, wanting to give us another chance and make it right between us, it was just her manipulating me for her own amusement.”

  “You can’t believe that.” Rachel shakes her head. “Not Liz. I don’t believe that one bit.”

  I laugh bitterly. “Days ago, she was sure I still loved her, that I was angry because I’d never gotten over her, but now, according to her, I’m only with her because of pity and compassion.” I mutter a curse under my breath. “I’d feel far better about my chances for the rest of my life if she just tells me it was all a game to her.”

  “And what if it wasn’t?” Rachel pats my hand. “You rejected her for so long, what was she supposed to think? How many times did you ask her to leave? How often did you tell her that there was no way to undo what she’d done? I’m guessing you kept telling her you didn’t love her anymore.”

  “Well, I was lying.”

  “Then you’ll have to convince her.”

  You made me give up on you, Aidan.

  My eyes go to the beach. The boys are pulling Landon by the hand and he’s laughing. It’s so familiar, it could be a scene from my childhood.

  Beauty from ashes.

  Here, close to the bliss of my brother’s marriage, it’s tempting to buy into the fantasy that all Liz needs is for me to step up, to do or say something.

  But I know better.

  I know she’ll wreck me. No matter what I say or do.

  I turn back to Rachel. “There’s no point.”

  She gives me a pitying smile. “I’m sure if you look inside your heart, you’ll find that there is.”

  I plan to leave later in the evening. After lunch, I head to the garden and after a while Landon finds me there. We sit in silence for a long time.

  A cool breeze ruffles my hair and sweeps a few dead leaves around my feet. Here, the sound of the ocean is almost too far off to hear.

  “Rachel thinks you’re letting your anger cloud your judgement,” Landon starts.

  “My judgement was clouded when I allowed myself to think there was a chance for me and Liz.”

  Landon chuckles. “You are angry.”

  Of course I am. I pull in a cool breath. “There’s a part of me that hopes I never see her again.”

  Landon nods. “Yet, there’s another part of you that wants a chance to make her happy, to make you happy. A part of you that knows things will never be the same without her.”

  I glare at my shoes. “Yes.”

  “You know better than anyone that grief can make people irrational. She’s grieving. Maybe with time…”

  I shake my head. “With time, she’ll be long gone, back into the circus that’s her life.”

  “I’m sure you can brave the circus to be with the woman you love, to be happy.”

  Yes. If I thought she loved me, but Liz…Liz exists to punish and torture me. To take me high and drop me so low, I’m nothing but wreckage on the ground.

  “Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy,” I mutter. “Maybe I exhausted my store of goodwill the day I pushed Dad to kill himself.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” There’s an edge to Landon’s voice. “To think that, you have to ignore every other wonderful thing that’s happened in your life.” He gives me a stern look. “I used to focus so much on everything that went wrong, I forgot to be grateful for all the things we had…the Hayes, grandpa and nana, the summers in France, the hotel, the financial safety nets… It was easier to think about what we lost and use it as a reason to be unhappy.”

  He pauses. “I had to decide I deserved to be happy, to stop blaming myself for things I couldn’t change, to focus on the present and make the future I and Rachel deserved.”

  “You need to stop blaming yourself for that night. You had a fight with your dad. Lots of teenagers do. What happened after the fight was not your fault, Aidan. I used to think I was a bad person for thinking this, but dad died the day we lost our mom. Every other moment he spent here… he was just waiting for a chance to go to her. Was he a bad father for that? I won’t judge anymore, but the man he was, before the accident…he’d have been proud of the man you are, the success you’ve become. They both would. Stop thinking you deserve pain or punishment. You don’t.”

  I stare at him for a moment, then I smile a little. “Years of therapy and I just needed my big brother to set me straight.”

  He laughs. “That’s why I’m here.”

  “You really think he’d have been proud of me?”

  “Yes. I am proud of you.”

  I smile. “Best thing I ever did for myself was hoodwinking you onto my team.”

  “You were always devilishly charming, even as a baby.”

  We both laugh and he pats my back. “Don’t give up on Liz. You deserve a happy relationship with a woman who loves you, and if she’s the one, then you’ll both find a way to work through this.”

  If she’s the one.

  She’s always been the one for me.

  But I’ve never been enough for her.

  And if I open myself up to her, she’s just going to destroy me, all over again.

  There’s no point telling Landon that, so I just smile.

  “In any case,” he continues. “What matters right now is that she’s going through a lot, and she needs you. So, are you going to be there for her, or are you going to let your resentment steal this time you have together?”

  “After seven years, I have an almost symbiotic attachment to my resentment.”

  “I can tell.” Landon laughs. “I can also tell that it’s keeping you miserable.”

  Later, on the drive back to the city, I think about our conversation. Seven years, and the only moments of life, of brightness, were the moments I spent with Liz.

  My life has been a desolate winter without her, and I can’t deny that these few weeks with her here, have meant far more than all the time we spent apart.

  I want her to stay, but I won’t beg. I won’t open my heart for her to scorch it all over again.

  But as long as she’s here, then I’ll give her what she needs. My time, my support…and when she breaks my heart all over again, maybe it will have been worth it.

  Chapter Thirty Two

  Liz

  Somehow, I get through the next day of rehearsals. Aidan’s absence is conspicuous, but we manage.

  “Don’t forget,” Reed announces jovially. “Dress rehearsal tomorrow, then after that, previews. Prepare to charm the public.”

  There are a few tired cheers as people leave. “Any news from Aidan?” I ask Reed.

  “Just that he needed a day off. Did you want to talk to him?”

  “No, not really.” Seeing how we left things the last time we spoke, I haven’t tried to reach out to him. Maybe I should. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

  “He’ll be here tomorrow.”

  Tomorrow.

  After a few minutes in my dressing room, I head for home. At my apartment, silence greets me. The spacious duplex is professionally furnished but lacks any personal touches, a soulless monument to my wish that one day, I might return to live in this city.

  That’s unlikely now.

  Who and what would I return for?

  Aidan.

  He wants to be with you, a voice whispers in my head. What does it matter if it’s out of pity and compassion? It’s what you want. You want to be with him.

  You need to accept
that there won’t be any happy ending to our story.

  We will never work.

  The sooner you accept that and go back to your life, the better it will be for both of us.

  He’d meant every single word, and as soon as his tender feelings arising from my loss recede, he’ll remember just how much he hates me.

  Then what?

  Then I’ll be right back where I started.

  Desperate to escape my muddled thoughts, I open a bottle of wine and pour a full glass, before walking over to the windows to look at the view.

  My phone trills from the kitchen counter, startling me. I hurry over, and a glance at the screen tells me it’s Aidan calling.

  I reach for the phone. “Hey.”

  “Liz.” There’s a pause after he says my name, and an aching tenderness fills my chest. “Where are you?”

  My eyes sweep the apartment. “At my place.”

  There’s another pause. “I’m coming over.”

  A memory of his anger from our last confrontation flashes in my mind. He doesn’t sound angry anymore, just resigned. I pull in a breath. “Okay.”

  While I wait for him, I down the rest of the wine in my glass.

  Is he still mad at me?

  Is he going to try to convince me I’m wrong about him?

  Am I?

  I rinse out the glass and push all thoughts out of my mind. The only thing that matters is how much I want to see him.

  By the time Aidan arrives, I’m nearly convinced that I imagined his call. When I open the door and see him on the other side, I almost burst into tears.

  He steps into the apartment and closes the door behind him. His eyes sweep the sparse living room, then he turns back to look at me, his gaze dark with an intensity that reaches deep inside me. My eyes roam his face, waiting.

  He takes a deep breath. “I want to be with you,” he says quietly.

  “Aidan…”

  He cuts me off. “No. I know you plan to leave. I know this is all temporary for you. But for now, even though I’m angry, and confused, I can’t keep pretending that I haven’t dreamed of being with you like this again, all these years.”

  Why am I so disappointed? I feel like deep inside, I had been hoping for a grand declaration, a laying of his heart at my feet, no matter what.

  “You’re not going to ask me to stay?”

  His eyes flare. “That’s up to you, Liz. Stay or leave if you want. Do what makes you happy.” His chest rises. “What I want is to be with you, for as long as I can. And if it’s only for two minutes or two days, then I plan to make the most of it.”

  I swallow, wishing I had another glass of wine. “And here I thought you planned to convince me of how much I mean to you. How much you want us to work this time.”

  He cocks his head to one side. “Is that what you want? For me to beg? Why? Will it give you some vicarious pleasure to crush me all over again?”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  He strokes a finger along my cheek and brushes his thumb across my lower lip, his eyes igniting when I let out a sigh of pleasure at the small touch. “Let’s not pretend that you ever intended to make us work,” he murmurs. “There’s a lot more we can do instead.”

  “Like sex.”

  His response is a smile, then he draws me close, bringing my face to his, and covering my lips with his own.

  His kiss is tender and sweet. He teases my lips apart with an expertise that’s almost diabolical. I close my eyes, losing myself to sensations. If this is all I can get, then I’ll take it, for now.

  “Where’s your bedroom?” he asks when he releases my lips.

  Almost too eagerly, I lead him to my room. It’s as soulless as the rest of the apartment. Aidan takes in the bare walls, the expensive but impersonal furniture.

  “You don’t live here much.”

  I shrug, a little defensive. “I hardly ever came to New York, and I stayed over at my dad’s most of the time anyway. This place was just an excuse to tell myself that I still lived here.

  He looks at me. “Why?”

  “I wasn’t ready to let go.”

  His eyes pierce mine, searching, the silent question in them urging me to tell him again that I never wanted us to end, that I still don’t.

  What’s the point? He didn’t believe me before. He won’t believe me now.

  “Come here, Liz.” His voice is low.

  I go into his arms and he captures my lips again. His body is warm and hard. I let my hands drift over his chest, feeling his muscles bunch underneath my touch. I unbutton his shirt and slide it off. He tugs off his white undershirt, revealing the smooth and perfect expanse of his chest. Sighing, I place a kiss on one hard slab of muscle.

  He groans softly and reaches for my dress, pulling it over my head. My bra and panties soon follow. His hands move over my skin, caressing, stroking every single inch.

  “I can’t stop wanting you.” His voice is a low murmur.

  It hurts to know that he has tried. I close my eyes, focusing on how good it feels to be in his arms. For now, it has to be enough that he wants me enough to forget how much he hates me. “Show me.”

  He pushes me back onto the bed and as I land, the soft mattress bounces beneath me.

  He grins, then covers my body with his. His lips meet mine, then his tongue is exploring my mouth, leaving me breathless. Impatient, I move beneath him. He grabs my hands and clasps them together over my head, holding them in place so I can’t move. He lowers his head to my breasts, rolling his tongue around one peaked nipple then the other.

  His tongue is delicious torture. “Aidan…”

  “Hmmm.” He lifts his eyes to mine, his tongue still teasing my nipple. “Your breasts,” he says with a crooning softness in his voice. “So perfect.” He licks the soft curve around a swollen nipple, and I sigh.

  “If you keep doing that, I’ll come from you playing with my breasts.”

  He laughs. “I can live with that.”

  I wriggle under him. “I don’t think I have the patience.”

  Ignoring me, he keeps paying attention to my breasts, only moving lower when my whole body starts to tremble. He releases my hands, kissing his way over my stomach and down to the mound between my legs. He places a soft kiss there, causing a soft fluttering that travels from my core to low in my belly. Then he nudges my legs apart and traces my outer lips with his tongue.

  “Aidan…” I’m wet and aching for him. I tangle my fingers in his hair and urge him back up. “I want you inside me.”

  One eyebrow quirks, and then he’s surging above me, using one leg to part my thighs. I feel him, hard and insistent, probing at the juncture of my thighs, and then unhurriedly, he slides inside me.

  I let out a long moan as he fills me. My lips curve around his name. I take his face in my hands and cover it with kisses, moving my hips in time to his slow, sweet thrusts. He fucks me slowly, teasing me as he rolls his hips, driving me over the edge with a maddening desire.

  “I love you,” I whisper, tears stinging at my eyes.

  His eyes are dark, but even through my pleasure, I can see that he thinks I’m lying. He surges hard into me and I cry out again, my whole body arching. His lips seize mine, silencing me, while with his body, he pushes me past my limits of pleasure. A delicious heat builds between my legs as he moves faster, each new stroke sending me closer to the edge.

  I wrap my legs around him, and pleasure explodes like fireworks in my brain.

  “Fuck, Liz.” He groans, his body jerks powerfully, and I feel the warm rush of his climax inside me. He wraps his arms around me, shuddering slightly, the only sound in the room, that of our breaths mingling in the silence.

  “You’re mine,” he whispers into my hair. “Wherever you go. You’ll always be mine.”

  “Even though you despise me?”

  He rolls to his side, facing me. “I don’t despise you.”

  I shrug and settle in his arms. “Where did you go?” I ask after a while
. “Your cabin?”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “I sold that a while ago.”

  “Oh.” I study his face. “You also got a new apartment,” I say softly. “You wanted to forget me very badly.”

  He looks sad. “Do you blame me?”

  “No, I tried to forget too.”

  He’s quiet. “I went to Windbreakers. I planned to bury myself in a few drinks, but my family has a way of showing up and pulling me out of my misery.”

  “You’re lucky to have them.”

  “I know.”

  We’re both quiet. He strokes my hair, and the intimacy of the moment belies everything we are, a temporary couple, nothing more.

  You can stay with him, a voice whispers in my head. Stay for as long as he’ll have you until he starts to resent you again.

  It’s shameful how tempting it is. How little I would settle for, just to be with him.

  “I wish I’d never left. I wish I’d never left you.”

  He takes my face in his hands. “You can’t change the past, Liz. You work in the present to make the future you want.”

  “Is that what we’re doing?”

  He chuckles. “No. We’re living in the now. Since it’s all we have.”

  All we have.

  He doesn’t leave me time to think about it. He slides his lips over mine, and desire chases all my thoughts away.

  Chapter Thirty Three

  Aidan

  I’m fooling myself.

  Pretending this will be enough.

  That the moment she leaves I won’t be a wreck.

  But those are the things I never say. We go to rehearsals, then end up at Liz’s or my place. We make love, eat, watch TV, and we don’t talk about what we both know is coming.

  Now, I watch as she finishes her makeup. It’s the first night of previews and she had already transformed into a beautiful suburban housewife from the mid-eighties.

  Her eyes meet mine in the mirror. “What are you thinking?”

  How much I want you to stay with me.

  “How beautiful you look.” I give her a smile. “Are you nervous?”

  She looks at me like I’m crazy. “Of course I am.”