Because of You (Swanson Court Series Book 5) Read online

  “Good. Because you may get that in Hollywood, but not here.”

  I take a step toward him. “You don’t want me to leave, do you?” He raises an eyebrow, but I continue. “If you did, all you had to do just now was lie and tell me how poor an actress I’ve become. I’d have left. But no, you want me to stay so you can lash out at me and call it direction.”

  Silently, he pushes off from the wall and set the tablet down on his desk. He glares at me, then rubs a finger at his temple, like he’s tired of my presence.

  Well, I’m not leaving.

  I go to stand right in front of him. “Why, Aidan?” I whisper. “Does it turn you on to torture me?”

  His eyes are burning. With less than an inch between us, I can feel the heat of his body. His scent fills my nose, a heady combination of mild cologne, body wash, and him. His chest rises and falls, and I’m fully aware that if I make even the smallest move, my body would brush against his.

  Not that I’d mind.

  “You know nothing about torture.” He bites out every syllable, and each one hits me like a lash.

  “Aidan…” I pull in a breath. “I shouldn’t have said what I did at the presser, but I meant every word. When I left here—”

  “Me.”

  I blink at the interruption.

  “When you left me,” he clarifies, his eyes burning.

  I close my eyes. “When I left you, Aidan, I thought I was doing the right thing. I know you’re angry and you have every right to be, but I can’t keep apologizing forever.”

  Abruptly, he puts some distance between us, walking over to the other side of his desk. “The thing is, Liz, nobody is asking you to.”

  I follow him. “So that’s it? You’re going to keep pretending I mean nothing to you?”

  “I don’t have to pretend.” His eyes are expressionless, his voice brutal. “You mean nothing to me.”

  “Liar.”

  He shrugs. “Close the door behind you, Liz.”

  I stare at him, frustrated beyond words. “I asked you to have dinner with me and I waited for you. I waited for hours. Did it make you happy to think of me, alone, enduring the whispers, wondering if you would bother to come? When did you become so heartless?”

  He lowers his head, bringing his face so close to mine, we’re almost touching. “If anybody here has the right to talk about heartlessness, it’s not you.” He places his hands on my shoulders and gently moves me backward, creating some space between us, then he walks over to the door and pulls it open. “Since you refuse to leave, have fun staying where you’re not wanted.” Then he walks out, leaving me alone in the tiny office.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Aidan

  She has some nerve, really, accusing me of cruelty. Cruelty!

  Look in the fucking mirror, Liz.

  I stride through the theater, making for the stage door. Outside, a few people are waiting, hoping to catch Liz on her way out. Many are the wide-eyed young girls who make up the majority of her fan base. I scowl as a few of them raise phones and take my picture.

  “You don’t deserve her!” someone yells.

  Jesus!

  My scowl deepens and I hurry away from the entrance, leaving them to their vigil. Liz will probably disappoint them by leaving through one of the more discreet exits.

  Not that I care.

  I walk past a few shops, then stop when I spy the headline on the front page of a tabloid stacked on the display rack of a tiny grocery store.

  Another big L for Lkay!

  There’s a grainy picture of her waiting alone at a restaurant table. The picture was taken with a smartphone but from a bad angle, like the photographer was trying to be discreet. Liz’s face is turned away from the camera, but there was enough detail for me to make out the dejection on her face.

  My fingers clench.

  When did you become so heartless?

  I push my hands into my pockets and keep walking, squashing the guilt that makes me want to go back and apologize to her.

  What do I have to apologize for?

  I didn’t ask her to come back and try to upend my life. I didn’t encourage her, and my lack of response to her text should have told her I would not come running to meet her for dinner just because she asked.

  I’m not one of her loyal fans.

  I’m just the man who loved her enough that I fell to pieces when she left.

  Screw her anyway.

  Is it really my absence at the restaurant she cares about, or is it the headlines? Gossip rags spreading the news that she’d been stood up can’t be good for her ego, or for the McKay brand, and those are the only things she cares about.

  I ignore the doubt nagging in my mind.

  I meant every word.

  I still love him.

  I can hear her voice in my head, like the last notes of a siren’s song.

  What if she really cares?

  What if there’s a chance that something has changed?

  What if there’s hope for us?

  I’m not immune to her, and God knows, I have enough fantasies stored from years of vacillating between hate and desire, enough images of the life we could have had together…the life we could still have, together.

  I shake my head. I’m being a fool, but then, haven’t I always been a hopeful fool with Liz?

  The saddest part is, I’d gone to the damn restaurant. I’d gone as far as the hostess booth, separated from the tables by a glass panel. I’d watched her as she waited alone at the table, almost ethereally beautiful, with her hair falling down her bare shoulders like a gleaming dark waterfall. I’d imagined us talking, digging up the past. I’d imagined laying my pain at her feet, opening myself to her and drowning in the pleasure only her body could deliver.

  I knew then that if I gave her even an inch, I’d be lost, so I left the restaurant and went back home.

  It wasn’t cruelty or heartlessness. It was self-preservation.

  I keep walking until I reach my apartment. I work out for a bit, take a shower, then order takeout while warring with my desire to put on another one of Liz’s movies. As I wait for the food to arrive, my phone buzzes with a message from Debra.

  I delivered your notes for the cast. Liz was lovely. I can’t believe you guys used to date.

  Even my assistant is under her spell.

  There’s another message, this one from Rachel.

  I’m having a dinner party on Friday and you’re required to attend. It’s semi-formal, just a few people. Heads up. Liz will be there, but that’s no excuse for you not to show. Love you loads.

  I close my eyes, ignoring the ringing in my head. I select a movie from the list and soon, Liz’s face fills my screen. Why do I even bother to resist her? No matter how hard I try, there’s just no escaping her.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Liz

  “Oh, look at you,” Rachel exclaims as soon as I walk into the spacious penthouse. She’s a beautiful woman, a few years older than me, with burnished red-gold hair and an aura of friendly intimacy that instantly puts me at ease. She pulls me into a quick, warm hug. “You look spectacular.”

  “Thank you. You look great too.” My eyes skip behind her, surreptitiously searching for Aidan.

  “He’s not here yet,” Rachel says with a knowing smile.

  “Oh! I…” God! Am I so obvious? I smile weakly. “It looks like a great party.”

  She laughs and takes my hand, leading me further into the intimately lit room. There’s a smattering of guests, about twenty people. Soft music fills the air from hidden speakers. A table on one side of the room is loaded with an assortment of cocktail dishes, and beside it, Landon Court is pouring drinks.

  “You remember my husband?” Rachel leads me toward him. He looks up at us and even though I’ve met him before and I’m expecting the resemblance, it still knocks me off balance.

  He’s an older version of Aidan, with wavy dark-gold hair. His eyes are a lighter shade of blue, but with none
of the animosity that I’ve come to expect from Aidan.

  He also seems more relaxed, more at peace with the world, but why wouldn’t he be? He and Rachel are obviously crazy about each other.

  It makes me long for what I could have had with Aidan.

  “Liz!” Landon grins at me, then hands me a champagne flute. “This is exciting. I can’t remember the last time we had a genuine movie star in our home. I hope Aidan isn’t working you too hard.”

  I shake my head. “He tries, but I’m used to working like a packhorse.”

  “Really?” Rachel looks concerned. “Well, here now, relax and forget about work.”

  “Aidan here yet?” Landon asks, looking around the room.

  They exchange a glance I can’t quite decipher. “He’s on his way,” Rachel replies, then with a smile at her husband, she leads me away.

  Most of the guests are people from the publishing world and a few faces I recognize from trending business news. There’s a wickedly funny woman who Rachel introduces as her cousin, Laurie. I spend the next few minutes confirming or denying some of the more scandalous stories from the Hollywood rumor mills.

  “I hope Aidan isn’t being difficult to work with,” Rachel is saying. “I know he can be…intense.”

  I shake my head, that need to defend him again trumping my desire for a confidant. “He’s a great director.”

  She laughs. “Now there’s one way to avoid answering a question.” She beckons at a tall, youngish guy who has just arrived, and he walks over.

  “Have you met Liz,” she says. “Liz, this is Finn McDonald. Finn, Liz McKay.”

  He stares at me, almost slack-jawed. “I’ve seen all your movies,” he stutters. “Some more than once.”

  “Me too.” I manage a laugh, watching him double over like I’ve just said the cleverest thing. I have a vague idea of who he is, something to do with investment and finance tech. He is one of the latest additions to the Forbes billionaires list.

  Many women would be glad for the opportunity to meet him. He seems nice, and is good-looking in a wide-eyed, nerdy way.

  Too bad I’m obsessed with Aidan.

  “Why don’t you two get to know each other while I go get another drink?” Rachel gives me an encouraging smile, and I wonder what she’s doing. I’m sure she knows I came here for Aidan. Doubtless, she knows why I keep looking at the door.

  She pats my arm and walks away.

  “I heard you were in New York, but I never dreamed I’d get the chance to meet you,” Finn is saying.

  “I’m sure you can meet anyone you want.”

  He thinks for a moment, then nods. “You’re right. Sometimes I forget.”

  I smile up at him. “So, which of my movies did you see twice?”

  He lists them. He’s obviously a big fan. We’re talking about my experiences filming in the Moroccan desert when I feel the air thicken around me.

  Don’t look.

  I know I should keep talking with Finn, even flirt a little, maybe encourage him to ask me to dinner. Maybe Aidan needs to see that some men would give the world for a minute of my time.

  But knowing he’s in the room, and I can’t hear what Finn is saying anymore.

  I turn toward the door.

  Aidan is right by the entrance, leaning on the wall, his arms crossed as he looks straight at me.

  My breath catches. Finn’s voice fades into background noise. My eyes follow Aidan as he peels himself from the wall and walks over to his brother for a quick hug, before kissing Rachel on both cheeks. When he turns to look at me again, his eyes are cold.

  “…I always thought there’d be a sequel. It’s been years, and we’ve been waiting for an announcement.”

  I have no idea what Finn is talking about. I watch Aidan pour himself a drink.

  I should go talk to him.

  What would I say that I haven’t said hundreds of times already?

  It’s getting exhausting, and it hurts to consider that at some point, I’ll have to give up the dream that there will be a future for us.

  Aidan throws back the rest of his drink, then without saying a word to anyone else, he walks out of the room.

  “Liz?” Finn is giving me a quizzical look. He laughs self-consciously. “I’m probably boring you with my fan-boying.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m just a little distracted.” I look in the direction Aidan went. “I gotta go.”

  Without waiting for a reply, I hurry after Aidan. I reach the door just in time to see him disappear inside one of the many doorways leading off the hallway.

  I follow him, pausing only for a moment before pushing the door open. It’s dark inside the room, but I can see Aidan silhouetted against the window, the brightly lit city a brilliant backdrop to his tall, masculine figure.

  I close the door behind me just as he turns around.

  “Are you still not stalking me?” he mocks, his voice as dry as dead grass.

  I shrug. “You knew I’d be here.”

  “Did I?” I hear him chuckle. He moves in the darkness, coming toward me. My heart thuds against my ribs. I feel him brush close to me, but he only moves past me to flick a switch close to the door.

  The room fills with warm light, and I blink, turning around to face Aidan.

  He places one hand on the door knob.

  “Don’t go,” I whisper.

  He looks pained. “Whatever it is you want, Liz, give it up. I closed the chapter on you a long time ago.”

  There’s a finality in his words I can’t bear. I can’t let him go. “You don’t want me to leave.”

  “Really?” There’s mockery in his eyes. “How would you know what I want?”

  “Because I know you.” I take a step toward him. “I know under all your anger, you still have feelings for me.”

  “Feelings?” His laugh is harsh, but he doesn’t deny it. He reaches out a hand, almost languidly, and cups my chin, then with his other hand, he pulls me to him. His back is to the door and I’m flush against him. I can feel the tenseness in his body, the heat washing off him in waves. I feel his chest rise against my breasts and I pull in an aching breath.

  “What feelings?” he whispers, his lips close to my ear, so close, I can feel his warm breath on my skin. “I want to kiss you until your lips are bruised.” He fingers the fabric of my top and beneath it, my nipples harden and start to ache.

  “I want to tear this off you and taste your skin. I want to feel your breasts in my palm, your nipples pebbling in my mouth. I’m aching to taste you, to feel your hips jerk and your thighs convulse when you come on my tongue. I’m aching to fuck you all night, till you’re sore and exhausted and neither of us can walk.” He draws one hand down my back and cups my butt, pressing me to his body so I can feel the hard evidence of his arousal.

  I close my eyes, weak with desire. My lips part with my breaths. I want him to do everything to me he’s just said. I’m wet, aching and going crazy with want.

  “Are those the kind of feelings you mean?” he continues, “because I have them, plenty.”

  Me too, but this thing between us isn’t only about sex. I know it, and I know he knows it too.

  “I love you.” The words leave me in a rush. “I’ve never stopped loving you.”

  He flinches, and where we are touching, his body seems to turn to stone. Abruptly, he jerks away from me, his expression almost livid.

  “Why do you play these games, Liz? Does it make you feel good to torture me?”

  I move forward, trying to regain the distance he has put between us. “You know that’s the last thing I want to do.”

  “Yet, here you are.” His eyes close and he draws in a deep breath, making his chest shudder. “Why did you do it? Why did you leave? Was I too damaged for you? Too wounded, too insecure? Did I lose you because I let you see the person I was inside?”

  “No!” Tears fill my eyes. Everything he’d shared with me—his guilt over his father, his depression, addictions—all of it had made me lo
ve him even more. The idea that I left him because of that is something I can’t bear. “Of course not.”

  “So, was it the fame? Did you think I’d stand in your way?” His eyes are bright. “I would have given everything up. I would have uprooted my life over and over, just to be with you.”

  “And you would have hated me for it. Just as I would have hated you if I’d given up the opportunity to go…because I wanted to, Aidan. I wanted to stay with you so badly I was willing to tell one of the most powerful directors in Hollywood to go to hell. What we had was so perfect I was willing to throw the recognition I’d always wanted down the drain just to be by your side. It scared me…It scared me to think we would ruin it somehow, that it wouldn’t last, and then we’d hate each other. It scared me because it was too much, too intense, too good to last…and at the time, it felt like the best thing I could do for the both of us was to make a clean break.”

  I close my eyes and a tear rolls down my cheeks. “I was young and stupid and afraid. I thought I knew what love…what life was about. I was afraid that if we tried too hard to keep what we had, we’d ruin it.”

  “So, you left without a word, and I had to read about your new movie role in the news. I had to read about your whirlwind romance with your co-star. I saw you move on like I never existed.”

  “None of it was real.” I reach out to touch him and he flinches. “Aidan, it was all publicity for the movie. All the fans wanted me and Devlin to be dating, like a wish fulfillment couple. The studio liked it and told us not to deny the rumors. We didn’t start to date until more than a year later.”

  His face tightens at the mention of my ex.

  “I thought it was time to move on. I thought you had too, but now… I know that…” I swallow. “I shouldn’t have left like that. I should have given us a chance, even the slightest chance, instead of thinking I knew all the answers.”

  He reaches for me, cupping my face with one hand and wiping a tear from my cheek with his thumb. He holds my gaze for a long moment, and it’s almost as if he can see into my soul.

  Can you see that I always loved you? Always.