Because of You (Swanson Court Series Book 5) Read online

  Pain flashes across his eyes, and with a sigh he places his forehead against mine. I hold on to him, feeling his muscles beneath my hands. “Liz,” he whispers.

  My heart swells and bursts into a million aching pieces. I want to bury myself in him. I want to open my heart and my soul and beg him to give me even a fraction of what I once had.

  “Liz.” This time, his voice even more tender than before.

  I pull in a breath. “Aidan.”

  He lifts his head from mine, and for a moment I think he’s going to kiss me, but instead, he releases me and takes a step back.

  “I don’t want your love,” he says, his gaze steady on my face. “I have to work with you now, but when my work is done with the play, I hope to God I never have to see you again.”

  Something breaks inside me. If he wants to crush me, he has succeeded. He starts to open the door, and without thinking, I place one hand over his on the door knob and curl the other around his neck, lifting my face to press my lips to his.

  It’s a desperate move, but I am desperate. I kiss him, sliding my lips against his firm, yet tender lips, feeling his implacable stiffness and hoping to melt the ice beneath.

  After a few moments, I give up and place my hands on his chest. His muscles stiffen under my touch. “You have to stop hating me,” I whisper helplessly. “I can’t bear it anymore.”

  Gently, he takes hold of my arms and thrusts me away from him. “You should have thought of that before crushing my heart, Liz,” he mutters. “Now it’s far too late.”

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Aidan

  Walking away from her is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I step out of Landon’s study, unable to think or function clearly. I don’t wait to see if she’ll follow me. I run up the stairs, taking them three at a time, trying to put as much distance between us as I can.

  I never stopped loving you.

  In the boys’ room, my nephews are already asleep, and after a few moments spent watching their peaceful faces, I go to the nursery to see little Penny sleeping with her thumb in her mouth.

  “Hey.”

  I turn toward the voice and see Rachel in the doorway. “Are you all right?” she asks.

  “Yup,” I lie, keeping my voice low so as not to wake Penny. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I leave the room, closing the door behind me. “You know parties aren’t really my scene, so I came up to see the kids.”

  Rachel cocks her head to one side and gives me a look that says she knows I’m full of shit. “Liz just left. What did you say to her? She was…She looked miserable.”

  I breathe through the ache in my chest.

  I never stopped loving you.

  She’s inside my head, holding my heart, unwilling to let go, and I’m a willing slave, unable to push her away.

  “I have no idea why that would be,” I say lightly, trying to smile, but failing spectacularly. “I think I need another drink.”

  Rachel puts a hand on my arm. “Aidan, I know you think you’re punishing her, but she’s not the only one who’s suffering.”

  I don’t reply. I give her a thin smile and return downstairs. The party is almost over, and after one more drink, I leave for home, battling the ghosts of Liz’s words as they repeat in my head over and over.

  I never stopped loving you.

  The rest of the weekend passes in a blur of obsessing about Liz and torturing myself with images of us together, like we used to be. I tell myself I’m an asshole for pushing her away, then convince myself she deserves it. By the time I got to rehearsals on Monday, I’m a wreck.

  I walk into the auditorium from the back of the stage. There are people everywhere, cast members and crew, but my eyes are only for Liz. She’s standing in the middle of the stage, listening to Todd read lines he’s trying to memorize. She draws me to her somehow. I’m not even aware I’m going to her until I’m standing right beside her.

  She stiffens and angles her body away from me, focusing on Todd and keeping her attention on him even when he stops reading and waves at me.

  “Hey, Aidan.”

  “Todd.” I nod at him. Beside me, Liz stays quiet.

  Why do I want to grab hold of her, right here, in front of all these people, and make her tell me again that she loves me?

  Because I want her with a desperation I have no words to articulate.

  And I want to punish her for making me hope.

  Our chapter closed a long time ago, Liz. Why won’t you let it go?

  Why can’t I?

  Reluctantly, I pull my attention from her and find a seat. Rehearsals start, and I watch the performers intently, trying to block out everything but the form the story is taking.

  Liz is doing an emotional scene, and in that moment, she stops being Liz. She becomes a young mother, battling depression, trying not to blame the people she loves even as cracks appear in all her relationships.

  She’s incredible to watch. She looks like she would shatter into pieces right there on stage, give the audience exactly what the story says, send them home with an experience they won’t forget.

  The scene ends and her eyes find mine, holding my gaze only for a moment before sliding away.

  Has she given up on me?

  The possibility fills me with an acute sense of loss.

  Is this the end for us, Liz? The question is a silent echo in my head. Is this the end?

  We finish early, and as the cast members leave the stage, I get a message from Debra.

  You have a visitor. Your office.

  Who?

  Claire. You want me to tell her to leave?

  I think about it, then reply in the negative.

  I’m already feeling like an asshole over my last conversation with Liz. The least I can do is not be an asshole to Claire.

  Claire is waiting outside my office. She greets me with a friendly smile, almost as if our last conversation never happened. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I reply, unlocking my door and letting her in. Just before I close the door, I see Liz on her way to her dressing room. Our eyes meet, only for a second, then she looks away, but not before I see a flash of something in her eyes. Jealousy? Hurt?

  Why do I feel so guilty?

  I should want to hurt her for what she did to me.

  Instead, I want to apologize for causing her pain.

  Fuck me.

  “I’m sorry for the other day,” Claire is saying. “I don’t know what came over me. I was jealous, I guess.”

  “You don’t have to apologize.” We are at a lounge close to the theater. The music is good. Not too loud, just lively enough to allow a conversation.

  “No, I do.” She sighs. “You’re not a bad guy, Aidan. It’s not like you ever promised me anything more than casual fun. It’s not fair for me to blame you because I started wanting more.”

  In that moment, I wish more than anything that I can push Liz out of my mind and give myself a chance with Claire, or anyone else.

  But I can’t. Not as long as even the memory of Liz exists.

  I’ve known that for years. Yet, I keep fighting her.

  Why?

  I never stopped loving you.

  Liz.

  She will burn me to ashes.

  And I want to let her.

  Because I’m still in love with her.

  “You don’t have to apologize,” I repeat. Claire looks at me with wet eyes, and I know she wants me to say more, to say I want to try again, that I’m open to more casual fun.

  But there’s no room for that, or for her.

  Only Liz.

  I place some money on the table for the drinks then rise to my feet. “I need to get back to the theater. I have some…business to take care of.”

  A look of disappointment crosses her face. “I guess.”

  Outside, I shove my hands in my pockets and start to walk. What am I doing? I don’t know. I just know I want to see Liz. I want to talk to her. Even if we fight or argue, the hope that we’l
l come to some sort of resolution, that I won’t lose her again this time…it’s too much for me to ignore.

  It’s silent inside the theater with most people gone for the day. I head for Liz’s dressing room, hoping she’s still around.

  Tell me again that you never stopped loving me.

  Her door is ajar, but she’s not inside the room.

  Where is she?

  In the mirror, my reflection looks, desperate, sad, and purposeful all at once. I breathe in the lingering scent of her perfume, mixed with the musty smell of the old building.

  My Liz.

  In the corridor, two of the younger cast members walk past me, talking and giggling. They wave at me and I wave back, distracted.

  I walk to my office, trying to decide whether to go to her father’s place or to hers. I’d wait until she shows up. I just know I need to see her tonight. I enter my office and the first thing I see is Liz, asleep on my couch.

  She looks so small lying there. I close the door behind me, resisting the urge to pick her up and cradle her in my arms, to kiss her neck and breathe in the soft fragrance of her skin, claim her as mine and make sure she never leaves again.

  Except she will. She always will.

  I lean back on the door. Frustrated. The wood creaks behind me, waking her. She starts, then relaxes when she sees that it’s me. Her eyes water, filling me with a tenderness I don’t want to feel.

  “You’re back,” she murmurs.

  I’m suddenly angry again. She’s twisting me around, leading me on with hints and words and tears and I’m helpless to it.

  “Obviously,” I snap. “What are you doing here? Did you find my couch comfortable? You want to take it with you when you leave again?”

  She sighs. “Is your date over already?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “It is my business…”

  I laugh bitterly. “Screw you.”

  “…because I care about you,” She continues, ignoring my outburst. “and because I’m jealous.”

  I hold her gaze as the words flow through me, stirring a fire of possessiveness, longing and hope. “You have no right to be.”

  “Well, I am jealous,” she admits with a rueful smile. “Devastated even. Wasn’t that your intention, to hurt me again the way you did at the party the other night?”

  The pain in her voice dampens my anger. “If you know that then why are you here?”

  “Because that’s how I know you still care about me.” She rises and approaches me slowly, every deliberate step she takes calling to something inside me, something wild that wants to lift her up and put her over my shoulder. To take her to a remote cave and mark her as mine so she’ll never doubt it again.

  “I stopped lying to myself a long time ago Aidan. I stopped telling myself that I could get over you. I can’t. I know you feel the same way. Something like what we had…it doesn’t just end.”

  She’s right, of course. “It might…if one person ruined it and the other person wanted to forget badly enough.”

  “You don’t want to forget. You’d rather hold on to the pain.”

  I snort. “Try this, Liz, I have already forgotten.”

  “You’re lying.”

  I advance toward her, closing the distance between us. Her bottom lip starts to tremble, and I resist the urge to taste it, to feel the sweet trembling against my tongue. “Life is not a script where you write in a second chance romance when things get boring. I’m not your entertainment to spice up your life.”

  “No, you’re not.” Her voice is steady. “You’re the man I love. You’re the man I’ll always love.”

  I stare at her for a long time. Her eyes are wide, imploring, her lips are begging to be kissed. When my hands finally move, it’s almost of their own accord. I cup her shoulders, feeling her tremble.

  I don’t know if I want to push her away or claim her as mine.

  “Aidan…” Her voice is a soft plea, like a whisper of silk.

  I don’t let her say whatever it was she means to say, because I’m done with listening…and I’m done fighting. With a low groan, I pull her into my arms and crush her mouth with mine.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Liz

  His lips are firm and hard, uncompromising and brutal, yet my heart swells and almost bursts with delight. I open myself for him, letting him inside to plunder my mouth with his tongue. I want him so desperately, and I’ll take this, this pleasurable punishment, if it’s all I can get.

  A moan escapes me. I’m eager for him to devour me, to touch me everywhere. His fingers round my nape, tangling in the hair at the back of my head, bringing my face closer as he kisses me, his tongue lashing firm strokes across my soul.

  Desire pools between my legs. Hot and insistent.

  Finally.

  I thread my fingers in his hair, curling my fingers into his scalp, bringing him closer. He groans and moves his hips against mine, the ridge of his arousal hard and insistent between us. Another moan escapes me.

  Finally.

  He releases my lips long enough to pull my top over my head. His eyes are wild and clouded with naked, hungry lust. He tosses the top and unhooks my bra with one flick of his fingers. My breasts spill out, heavy, my nipples swollen and sensitive.

  “God, Liz.” The words come out in a whisper, and there’s a note of wonder in his voice. He cups both my breasts, and I sigh, closing my eyes as his thumbs brush my nipples, once, then again, filling me with almost unbearable sensation. Then he lowers his head to take one nipple in his mouth and I cry out.

  He responds by lifting me, not gently. His mouth is still on my breast when he grabs my waist and pulls me up along his body. I spread my legs, wrapping them around him. He turns, and now my back is to the door. His tongue laps at my breast, swirling around an engorged nipple. Once some of my weight is on the door, he moves one hand between my spread legs.

  My hips roll eagerly, awaiting his touch. I’ve waited so long for this. I’ve waited for what seems like forever to feel this way again, because it had never been like this, not with anyone else. I cradle his head in my hands and gasp when his fingers slide into the waistband of my tights, stroking me through the thin silk of my panties only for a moment before he flicks the silk to the side with his thumb and slides his fingers deep inside me.

  My hips jerk and my body tightens around him.

  “Fuck!” The word is both a groan and a prayer. His eyes lock with mine, then he plunges his fingers deeper, stroking them in and out of me until I can hardly bear the pleasure.

  My eyes flutter closed. “Aidan,” I moan.

  “Look at me.” His voice is thick and harsh.

  I meet his gaze, drinking in the dark storm in his eyes. He claims my lips, but only for a short kiss. His fingers slide out of me, and my body clenches greedily, missing him. Still holding me against the door with his body, he unwraps my legs from his waist and drops to his knees.

  Anticipation tears a moan from my lips. My throat bobs, and my fingers dig into his hair. He tugs my tights down, pulling them clean off and tossing them aside. My panties soon follow. Then he grabs one of my legs and lifts it over his shoulder. His lips find me, pressing into my mound in a soft kiss before, his tongue slides between my folds.

  I scream out loud, caught in the pleasure of his touch. His tongue rounds my clit, flicking and tasting until my legs are shaking uncontrollably. Then he is plunging deeper, lashing at me with deep strokes of his tongue, tasting every part of me, licking my trembling slit and sliding his tongue inside me. I’m moaning incoherently, my fingers tight in his hair, gripping on for dear life.

  “Easy.” His face is still between my legs, and the rumble of his deep voice along with the soft warmth of his breath adds to the pleasure of his tongue. My hips jerk forward, and he places a hand on the lower part of my belly, steadying me. Then he’s tasting me again, fucking me with his tongue, taking ownership of me until I explode with indescribable pleasure, knowing for
sure that my body will never be mine again.

  I’m still shaking when he rises to his feet. There’s a satisfied smirk on his perfect face as he lifts my pliant limbs around his waist again.

  “You still have the most beautiful pussy I’ve ever seen,” he tells me, kissing my neck. “The best tasting too.” His lips find mine and I kiss him back, tasting the musk of my pleasure on his lips.

  “I’m all yours,” I whisper earnestly. “For as long as you want me.”

  Silent, he undoes his pants. I hear the zipper slide down, then I feel him, hard and rigid, the smooth head of his cock sliding between my legs and teasing my slit. I reach for him, eager to stroke his length, but he moves too quickly, spearing me with one smooth thrust that jerks my back against the door.

  My body screams with the sensation of fullness, the delicious pleasure. My legs tighten around him, pulling him closer to me. My head falls back. “Oh God!”

  “No, just me.” There’s some humor in his voice, but I have no time to appreciate it. He starts to move, his eyes closed as he pulls back then slides inside me in a deep thrust.

  “Liz.” His voice is somewhere between a whisper and a plea. “Fuck, Liz!”

  My response is a soft cry. I’ve been waiting for this feeling for seven years, this heat, this unbearable pleasure.

  “Don’t stop,” I moan as he thrusts deep into me again and again. “Aidan!”

  In reply, he picks up his pace, fucking me so deeply I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin. He lowers his head to place soft kisses on my breasts. His fingers dig into my waist and my thighs and I know there’ll be bruises, but I don’t care. I just want more of him, more of the pleasure only he can give me.

  “Did you think of this?” His voice is a low growl. “Did you think of how good we were together?”

  “Every day,” I moan. “Every damn day.”

  “Fuck you, Liz.” He punctuates every word with a hard thrust of his hips. “Fuck you for coming back here.”

  Pleasure builds inside me like an uncontrollable wave. “I couldn’t stay away,” I pant.